SCENE SIX.  BACK AT THE RAT TRAP, LATER THAT DAY.

               Hours have gone by and, strangely enough, no signs of
               retaliation.  All is quiet.  So far, there have been no
               unexpected deaths, but no sign of Arty either.

               Upstage center, running strong, at the top of the hill,
               stands a bronze statue of the Large Refrigerator.  From the
               top of it's great, imposing mass, it hoists a flag, waving
               free, the Republic of Rat Trap.

               Downstage center roars a reignited campfire, around which
               it's blazing flames sits Cookie and Bill, burning high with
               all the hopes and ambition for mankind.  Configured in a sort
               of doctor/patient formation, Cookie has been pouring her
               heart out to Bill.

                                   COOKIE
                         I don't know why I'm so bitter.  I
                         just am.  I'm bitter about
                         cigarette smoke.  I'm bitter at
                         slow people walking down the
                         street.  I'm bitter about how my
                         apartment is built in between the
                         expressway and the railroad.

               Flash upstage to Barnesworth, standing, looking off-stage.
               (Split Scene)

               Enters Torchberry.  He returns with a giant sack of riffles. 
               He enters exasperated.  The journey has been long and hard.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Well, did you find him?

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         They're holding him hostage inside
                         a Turkish prison just outside of
                         town.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         That's what I thought!

               Flash back, downstage, uninterrupted, to Bill and Cookie.

                                   COOKIE
                         But most of all, I think I'm bitter
                         about men.  No.  I know it's men. 
                         Rat bastards every last one of
                         them.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         And the riffles!!  Where did you
                         find them??

                                   BILL
                         What do you suppose makes you feel
                         this way?

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         I was able to lift them when they
                         weren't looking!

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Good then.

                                   COOKIE
                         I don't know.  Bad relationships, I
                         suppose.  They all start amazingly
                         enough.  There's always a spark. 
                         We go out a few times.  It's a
                         ball.  Then around four weeks in
                         they usually have to travel outside
                         the country, either that, or really
                         far away, and just like that, I
                         never see them again.  They just
                         pick up and disappear.

                                   BILL
                         Hm.

                                   COOKIE
                         It doesn't seem possible.  I know! 
                         But it happens every time.  Never
                         has it not happened.  My, personal,
                         favorite was Raoul.

                                   BILL
                         Let's talk about Raoul, shall we?

                                   COOKIE
                         Sure.  Why not?  He was wonderful! 
                         Things were going so well.  It was
                         like a dream, until one night, we
                         went to a restaurant around the
                         corner from my apartment.  Like a
                         poor, unsuspecting sap, I paid. 
                         After dinner, we go back to my
                         place and he tells me he's leaving
                         for Connecticut in the morning, to
                         see his mother, but his car is
                         parked in the lot next door. 
                         That's when I should have seen it
                         coming.  He asked to borrow a few
                         bucks to get the car out.  He was
                         broke.  I said sure and, hey, you
                         need a little more? 
                         You're going to need some cash to
                         get down there.  I hand it over. 
                         He kisses me goodnight.  And I
                         never hear from him again.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         (from upstage)
                         And now, for the crystal ball!

               From out of his magic bag, Barnesworth pulls out a magic,
               crystal ball and lifts it high to the sky.  He and Torchberry
               look deep into it's bewitching orb.

                                   COOKIE
                         The weekend goes by, I think
                         nothing of it.  I call him Monday,
                         his phone has been disconnected.  I
                         e-mail him Tuesday, his e-mail
                         account has been closed.  Wednesday
                         I call him at work, they've never
                         heard of him!!!  Just like that,
                         gone without a trace!

                                   BILL
                         Could it be, then, that the
                         feelings you expressed before,
                         about your concerns for stability
                         and consistency, might be linked to
                         these past experiences?

                                   COOKIE
                         I would think so.  I guess I'm not
                         quite ready to resign myself to
                         living alone an old lady with
                         eighty cats stuffed inside a
                         cramped apartment off I97.

                                   BILL
                         I see.

                                   COOKIE
                         But the truth is, I keep going on. 
                         Just when I think I can't bear it
                         anymore, something happens to give
                         me new found hope, even if it is
                         just for a split second.  The other
                         day I saw a gorgeous woman sitting
                         peacefully in the park.  She was
                         alone on the bench talking on her
                         cell phone.  I don't know why, but
                         I imagined her to be having an
                         intimate conversation with her
                         mother.  But that's not it. 
                         The beautiful thing was that, while
                         she was talking to her mother, in
                         her lap was her cat.  She was
                         gently cleaning his eyes out with a
                         q-tip.  On that bright, blue,
                         sunshiny day, that animal
                         completely surrendered to this
                         woman.  He trusted her.  He knew
                         that she cared for him.  It was
                         amazing.  And so I went on feeling
                         refreshed, a new born spirit, full
                         of hope and energy for mankind, and
                         then boom!  Fate intervened and
                         whisked me away to this place. 
                         Maybe we're rats.  Did you ever
                         think about that one?

               Enters Torchberry.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         As a matter of fact, yes.  I've
                         always been bewildered by the
                         thought of our likeness to rats. 
                         That's why I refused to have
                         children all those years ago.

                                   COOKIE
                         How am I not surprised?

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         I said, no!  No!  I can't go
                         through with it.  Not until I can
                         justify my reasons for injecting
                         the opposite sex with my poison
                         only to bear one more war monger
                         like the historian, or whatever he
                         is by now, probably secretary of
                         state.  It was disastrous!

                                   COOKIE
                         I can see why!

                                   BILL
                         There must be a reason you feel
                         this way.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         There is, now that we're talking
                         about it.  As a child, seven of my
                         prep-school comrades and I had an
                         appointment to play tennis one day,
                         early afternoon, around three. 
                         Well, that day, when we arrived at
                         our usual court, court five, all
                         revved up to play, we discovered
                         that the door to our court was
                         unbreakably locked, chained, bound
                         by thirteen padlocks!  Open from
                         nine to ten and, after that, never
                         again!!!!  Well, you can imagine
                         the shock!  This would have foiled
                         our plans!!  Lucky for us, there
                         was about an eleven inch give in
                         the doorway, just space enough four
                         eight, scrawny, twelve-year-olds
                         to, through it's gape, sneak.  So,
                         like spineless rats, we slithered
                         through the opening and played
                         tennis all the rest of the
                         afternoon, 'til around six---inside
                         the cage!!!  Ever since that day I
                         said, if aliens were watching from
                         above, they would think we were
                         rats, just as we think what's below
                         are rats, two.  You see?  We can't
                         be anything but rats, but we're not
                         rats, and I guess what I'm trying
                         to say is. . . .

               Emerges Barnesworth with fighting gear.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Put on your cape!  Alas, the time
                         has come to rescue our friend and
                         countryman from the evil clutches
                         of the furies that guard him so
                         well!

                                   ARTY (OFF-STAGE)
                         (from miles away)
                         Cookie!!!

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         Does anyone else here notice a
                         strange, sort of buzzing sound?

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Silence!  It could be a wild band
                         of renegade, killer bees looking
                         for a deadly shot at revenge!!!!

                                   ARTY (OFF-STAGE)
                         Cookie, I love you!!!

               They all react.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         That's not a bee.  Why, look! 
                         That's our run-away, friend and
                         comrade, Arty!  Welcome home, old
                         chum!

               Enters Arty, tattered to the bone.  He has been badly injured
               by the escape.  He has lost an arm.

                                   COOKIE
                         Arty??  Is it you???

                                   ARTY
                         My dearest Cookie, it is me.

                                   COOKIE
                         But your arm!!  Arty, how did you
                         escape???

                                   ARTY
                         Yes.  It's true.  My arm is no
                         more.  I lost it in the battle, but
                         I only made it because of you, my
                         darling, angel Cookie.

                                   ALL BUT COOKIE
                         Huh?!

                                   COOKIE
                         Oh, Arty.  Oh, oh, Arty.

                                   ARTY
                         Somewhere in between the flogging
                         and the Chinese water torture,
                         maybe the scalding lava, I can't
                         really remember.  No matter.  At
                         one point, while I was staring down
                         a long and very narrow hallway,
                         bleak and grim, crawling through
                         gravel up to my shoulders, I saw
                         it, your smiling face, beaming like
                         a rainbow.  It was then I knew, I
                         had fallen in love with you.

                                   COOKIE
                         Arty, I, too, am in love with you!

                                   ARTY
                         It was that power, then, indeed,
                         that pulled me through the fiery
                         bowels of hell this very afternoon.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         So, you did it!!!  Defeated the
                         enemy army!  Beat them at their own
                         game!!!  The evil forces that held
                         us captive are no more!!  We've won
                         at last!!!

                                   ARTY
                         Well, not exactly.

                                   TORCHBERRY 
                         But how else, then, did you manage
                         to outrun the hounds??

                                   ARTY
                         For a moment there, I almost
                         thought I did.  At the last second,
                         my footing slipped on a wet rock. 
                         Lucky for me, the beast had an
                         unexpected heart attack midway
                         through.  He died right beside me,
                         but not before taking a piece of my
                         arm with him, through to his
                         pearly, yellow gates.  But what
                         does a silly limb mean, now????? 
                         Before I stumbled into this rat
                         trap and met all of you, my life
                         was heading in a different
                         direction.  Now I feel like I'm not
                         traveling in any direction, but
                         that's a good thing.  It has forced
                         me to deal with myself and accept
                         things for the way they are.  These
                         past two days have allowed me to
                         fall back in love with the human
                         race.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         Here!  Here!  A toast!!  This calls
                         for a celebration!!!

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Are you out of your mind???  A
                         celebration??  The battle has not
                         yet been won!!  Have you forgotten
                         what still lies ahead, and who
                         will, most definitely, be coming
                         back, and God only knows what then
                         will happen???????

                                   ARTY
                         No, we haven't forgotten.  All I'm
                         saying is that whatever happens, I
                         want to love mankind.  Screw my
                         options.  Screw my condo!  Screw my
                         job!!  Screw my arm!!!  I've got
                         nothin' to lose!!  

               Arty builds up his courage.

                                   ARTY (cont'd)
                         Cookie, will you marry me??

               Cookie is awe struck.  She can't believe it.   She doesn't
               know what to say.  She is overjoyed.  She is frightened.  She
               is teary eyed.  She blubbers around and then----

                                   COOKIE
                         Yes.  Arty, yes, I will marry you.

               She runs to Arty.  They embrace.

                                   BILL
                         Another one bites the dust.

                                   ARTY
                         I love you.  I want to grow old
                         with you.  I want us to have
                         children together. . .

                                   COOKIE
                         Me too!

               Just as all of this is happening, Barnesworth notices
               something off-stage.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Ah, well, now, here it is.  This!
                         This!! Is what I was talking
                         about!!!

               They all look off-stage and, on cue, get startled.

               Enters the Historian and Agents Phlours and Powers.  They
               come on stage riding a tank (can be a cardboard cut-out.) 
               They are dressed like commandos.

               Lighting and Sound cue: Ghosts.  The Hatchet Sisters wear
               army helmets and bring up the rear.

               Conversely, the "Republic" gathers together in order to deal
               with the next crisis.

                                   HISTORIAN
                         Clear the way!  Step aside.  Coming
                         through!  Making history.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         What are you up to?

                                   HISTORIAN
                         My lips are sealed.

                                   COOKIE
                         Not yet, they're not.

                                   PHLOURS
                         O.K.  Back it up!

                                   POWERS
                         Are we clear?!

                                   PHLOURS
                         Yes.  We're clear.

               They back up the tank and park it.  They get out.

                                   PHLOURS (cont'd)
                         You have the tow?!

                                   POWERS
                         Yes.  I have the tow.

               The Historian stands guard while Powers and Phlours pull out
               the chain tow from the back of the tank.  They begin to move
               the chain towards to edge of the rat trap.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         And just what, might I ask, do you
                         think you're doing??

               The Agents continue their task.

                                   PHLOURS
                         Escorting this weapon to the safe
                         confines of our lab.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         How dare you?!  You have no right!!

                                   HISTORIAN
                         Wanna bet.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         Listen, old man!  You wanna see. .
                         . .

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Torchberry!  Down!  Under what
                         jurisdiction are you seizing this
                         trap?

                                   POWERS
                         For your information it's not a
                         trap.  It's a. . . . 

                                   PHLOURS
                         Powers!

               Pause.

                                   PHLOURS (cont'd)
                         What Agent Powers means to say is,
                         the Nautical Society.

                                   ARTY
                         You're working for the Nautical
                         Society?

                                   POWERS
                         Yes.  Special Projects, and we have
                         strict orders to retrieve this trap
                         ASAP.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         That means I'm right.

                                   ARTY
                         Right about what?

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         Hold on!  You mean to tell us that
                         this giant, rat trap, here, upon
                         which we stand, despite our hopes,
                         despite our dreams, is not a rat
                         trap after all, that, in fact, it
                         is an aqua-terrestrial object from
                         under the sea, i.e. weapon of mass
                         destruction, cleverly disguised as
                         a rat trap, put in place here by a
                         school of minnows???

                                   PHLOURS
                         (to Powers)
                         Good job!!!  Alright!  Yes!  It's
                         true.  This trap is not what you
                         think at all. 
                         NIFIRT and the US government have
                         been tracking marine and aqua
                         satellite patterns in various key
                         locations for years!!  This is the
                         second of a series of devices sent
                         by an amphibious breed of SHARKS we
                         expect to be operational in a
                         matter of months.  The
                         refrigerators are their power
                         source.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         How do you know that?

                                   POWERS
                         We have intelligence.

                                   PHLOURS
                         Don't listen to him!  Several years
                         ago, when we discovered their first
                         mission, a giant fly trap--we don't
                         know who's doing their research--we
                         found, and were able to decode, a
                         fragment of their mission map.  Now
                         we don't know how they may have
                         modified their plan over the years,
                         but so far, the map has given us
                         many useful clues.

                                   ARTY
                         Was this one of them?

                                   PHLOURS
                         Yes.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         So, it is true.  We are rats!

                                   POWERS
                         Don't forget flies.

                                   COOKIE
                         No, we're not.  Don't listen to
                         them.  We are humans and I don't
                         care what they say.  This is a rat
                         trap!

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         But Cookie, don't you understand? 
                         The proof is in the pudding.  It's
                         been going on for years.  It
                         probably started that day on the
                         tennis court.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         So, there are scientists who are
                         waiting for this trap, right now,
                         as we speak.

                                   PHLOURS
                         They are very excited.  They have
                         been awaiting this day for quite a
                         long while.

               Pause.  Barnesworth battles with himself.

                                   BARNESWORTH
                         In that case, who are we to stand
                         in the way?  Allow me to help.

                                   HISTORIAN
                         That's the spirit.  Anyone else
                         willing to lend a hand?

               Pause.

                                   TORCHBERRY
                         I suppose I will.

               Bill, sort of, gestures.  Arty is in no hurry.

                                   COOKIE
                         Are you guys crazy??  I don't
                         believe this cockamamie story for
                         one minute.  I believe this trap is
                         a weapon and that's why they want
                         it.  Maybe sharks forgot it here,
                         or, hell, maybe they planted it
                         here.  We might be rats, but one
                         thing is certain.  If we give it to
                         these guys, it will be used for
                         mass destruction!  And then they'll
                         open a brewery!!

                                   POWERS
                         Come now, woman, would we mislead
                         you!?

                                   COOKIE
                         Yes.  When haven't you mislead us?

               Bill stops.

                                   BILL
                         Come to think of it, when was the
                         last time you didn't mislead us?

               They all stop and think, then start to get suspicious.